The Battle

cue the lights. scene : my room. eating pizza in bed. Kelly is in the shower in the room next to mine. a voice : "oh my god." a moment passes; again : "oh my GOD." 

i stand outside the door. "you okay?" 

door flies open, kelly dripping wet, wrapped in a loose towel. "it's huge." 

i peer around her tentatively; there it is. the biggest centipede of all time. a dark, evil creature decorated with ten thousand legs and a mass of unbelievable proportions.

i gag.

"what do we do?!" ideas are thrown out. vacuum it up. spray it with shave lotion. go get a neighbor. call 911. burn down the house. move out, start over, pretend it never happened, that we never met this beast from hell.

no. this is our house. this is our home. he must go.

we relocate to the kitchen and raid the supplies. armed with wood polish spray and orange cleaning agent, we return to the battle zone. the creature is elusive but we find him under a wash cloth. adrenaline flows and the war begins.

"DIE!" kelly sprays wood cleaning spray with a ferocity only known to those in times of peril. i bring up the back, orange cleaning spray flying like a thousand bullets from the barrel of a gun. our opponent is soaked, he is weak. limply he falls off the lip of the tub and onto the ground.

time for act 2. the monster, damaged and slow, makes his last move towards us. he stumbles drunkly to me and i prepare myself for the final moment. it's now or never.

i bravely throw a paper towel on top of satan himself, raise my new weapon of choice above my head (a motorcycle boot), and time blacks out. kelly informs me i brought the boot down over and over. when i come to, she is telling me "dude, i think it's dead." i stumble backwards and stare at the paper towel, now soaked with the remains of our tormenter. it rests atop him like a body bag.

shaken and exhausted, we realize the war has ended. we have survived. we are victorious.