“Jen the Lesbian.”
When did my sexuality become my defining characteristic?
“My roommate – no, not the dancer, the lesbian.” “My lesbian
coworker.” “Yeah, I have four
bridesmaids – the one in Peacecorps, the vegan, the lesbian, and the normal
one.”
L-R : Peacecorps, the lesbian, the groom, the "normal" one, the vegan
This is just a small taste of something I’ve noticed when
people talk about me. And yes, those are
all direct quotes I have heard about myself.
So when did my liking women become my ultimate (and usually only) signifier
of whom I was?
I often wonder if people are just too uncreative when having
conversations; that putting me in a neat little check box is the easiest and
most direct way to describe me. I think
that happens a lot, especially for people with privilege, to describe others by
their minority traits. “No, not that
Brittany, the black one,” “you know John, the super gay dude,” “you’ve met
Carl, the amputee guy with only one arm.”
Usually the thing that makes a person ‘different’ in someone else’s eyes
shines like a big glaring spotlight on them. But honestly, does a lot of the company I keep
know so few lesbians that when they say “The Lesbian” I’m immediately the first
person that pops into their mind?
Find The Homo!
Labels are bizarre to me. Lesbian describes me a most of the time, but
not all of the time. I also hate labels
and the need to fit into someone’s idea of a tidy checkbox.
I’m curious how people described me before I came out. If it wasn’t the rainbows and pictures of
boobs and glitter exploding out of my face, what on earth did people say about
me when I wasn’t there? What else
defines me? Or more accurately, what
other glaring personality or physical trait about myself did people notice and
decide to use to blanket my entire entity with?
I remember my first birthday after my coming out. I got a rainbow rug, a book on how to date
women, a lesbian graphic novel, a rainbow cake, and several other queer
presents. Not that I didn’t like these
items – I really did love everything a lot – but it just happened so
quickly. I had come out and a few months
later it was the only thing people seemed to notice about me.
so gay my bookshelf is in rainbow order
I do think that most people have good intentions. My friends that bought me all of those gay
birthday presents? I honestly think it
was a show of support. And most of the
people in my life who refer to me as “the lesbian” are most likely doing it
because of the inescapable easiness to label someone superficially without
really thinking about it. I know I’m
guilty; we’ve all done it. It’s easier
to look at one big differentiating trait than the thousand small ones that
actually make up a person’s identity.
according to this chart, i also like talking about myself, my friends, chicago, drinking, my girlfriend, and my mom!
(i'm also slightly uncomfortable at how big the word "bathroom" is on this chart)
I will be the first to admit my sexuality plays a big role
in my life. I read a lot of lgbtq books,
I spend a lot of time being active in my community, I go to queer themed
events, and I am proud of my sexuality and community and who I am. But it isn’t the only thing about me. In situations where I am described alongside
other people – an example being my roommates and I (Sara is the hairstylist,
Kelly is the dancer, I am the lesbian) – it almost feels unfair that they are
described by traits of skills they have, things they are passionate about and
have studied and put time into and are proud of, and I am described by who I
like to bang. And I guess my banging is
something I am passionate and proud of, but it’s not a skill. It’s just something that happens after a few
glances across the room, a few okcupid messages, or a few beers. I am so much more than the people I sleep
with. I am also a writer, a tattoo
enthusiast, obsessed with cats to a slightly unhealthy degree, an avid reader, constantly
sporting (what I think are) very awesome alternative lifestyle haircuts, a
horror movie buff, and so much more.
this photo says a lot about me i think
I suppose it comes down to this – my queer identity doesn’t
define me. It isn’t the only thing about
me. But I will embrace that it is a huge
part of my being and the easily accessible projection I put out into the
world. And while I hope that people
notice the whole package that makes me into Jen the Human Being, I will use Jen
the Lesbian (to the best of my ability) to be a role model and an activist for
my community. In the mean time I hope
the rest of me doesn’t get lost in the rainbow.
