...and 8 months later...

My goal with this blog was to document my experiences moving to a new city.  I was going to write about the trials and tribulations of moving somewhere new, finding a job, meeting people, making new friends, dating, and figuring out my life.

Eight months later, I did exactly as I usually do, which is nothing.

I suppose "nothing" is harsh.  And completely inaccurate   I have done the opposite of nothing, I have done everything.  In eight months I have managed to find an amazing job, move up in my job, meet a million new people, form insanely tight bonds with new best friends, find a ridiculously supportive queer community, break up with my partner from Milwaukee, date around, meet a new partner, fall in love, throw queer events that people actually attend in masses, do unique and ridiculous events and activities all of the time, learn to appreciate myself, and find a happiness I didn't even know I was capable of achieving.

I didn't document it like I had planned.  I just lived it.

Here are things I have learned about myself since moving to Chicago:

• I deserve happiness; it is not selfish to focus on myself and having my own needs is okay
• I am attractive
• Other people find me attractive
• I am funny (and people frequently tell me they think this)
• I love being in love
• I can throw a pretty good party
• I don't give a fuck anymore and I also give all of the fucks all of the time

Some of these things probably sound egotistical and braggart, but I don't intend them to.  It took many years of self-loathing, fear, confidence issues, and ignoring my own needs to tend to the needs and expectations of others to come to these conclusions.  To feel them and say them out loud is powerful and scary and amazing.  I am, easily, the happiest I have ever been.  I am confident and comfortable and alive in my own body.  It's electrifying and comforting all at the same time. 

And about giving fucks - I have no fucks to give.  As in "I don't care what you think about me."  I am not ashamed or embarrassed or awkward like I used to be.  I am not trying to be "cool."  I am not seeking anyone's approval.  Other's judgements and perceptions of me can fuck right off.  I am comfortable and happy.  But the times I DO give a fuck, it's for a good reason.  It means I care.  I give a fuck about my friends and their happiness, about doing right, about being loving and accepting and creating as much positivity as I can.  

I think it would have been neat to document my process of growth, but I also know for me that such a rigid system won't work for me.  I'm not reliable or motivated in this way, and that's okay.  But I shouldn't abandon my projects entirely either; instead I can modify.  I have learned to know myself and listen to myself in these past months, and that has taught me that I just need to figure out what works for me.  

So I will give this another go.  Instead of my "Queer Girl's Guide," it will be an adaptation of sorts.  A guide to my self exploration in this city I have fallen in love with.  A personal blog, if we're being realistic, but I prefer to make things sound fancy. 

So this is me, world.  New and improved.  Here's to hoping I never stop growing, changing, learning and living, but also find a little time to write about it.